I really did think that this would have been the last thing I ever wrote about breastfeeding. But today, the opportunity to talk about breastfeeding at the same time as ranting about Nigel Farage is just too much for me to pass up. You may have noticed him in the news again today, because there are no other politicians, or people who have opinions about things, or news. Today he has been supporting Claridges over their verging-on-illegal request to a breastfeeding mother to please cover herself up with a ridiculous napkin, because what the world really needs is his exceedingly well-informed opinion on the matter.
I've been reading debates about this today, although I'm really not sure why. There are some people who still seem to get quite cross about the idea that babies might need feeding every now and again, in places where there are other people, and in any given discussion of the subject, they will trot out exactly the same non-arguments. It's like breastfeeding bingo. If, for some reason, you are interested in any of these "reasons" why women should not be free to feed their children whenever and however they like, here they all are, along with my explanation of why they make about as much sense as a UKIP policy document.
"Some people are uncomfortable about seeing it"
Given that I'm a card-carrying, badge-wearing, fetching uniform-sporting, fully paid-up member of the PC Brigade (come and join us, we meet in the Centre of Inclusive Diversity every Tuesday, bring cake), you'd think I'd have some sympathy with this. I'm not generally a massive fan of making other people uncomfortable, and if something I'm doing is causing someone distress and there's no good reason for doing it, then I think that's a fair enough reason to stop. But breastfeeding in public has a reason, that reason being, obviously, to feed a baby, which usually has the added bonus of making said baby stop crying. And lots of people feel uncomfortable about lots of things, and some of the reasons for that discomfort are better than others. I feel massively uncomfortable with, say, people blaming all the country's ills on immigrants, as I believe it causes real harm to real people. What actual harm has seeing an exposed breast for a few seconds ever done to anyone in the history of the world ever? Answers on a postcard. Can you still buy postcards? I wouldn't worry, I don't think it's likely anyone will need one.
But perhaps I am being uncharitable, and people genuinely have deep-seated and terribly real issues that cause the sight of an infant doing what infants need to do in order to not die to genuinely distress them. If that is the case, I would like to make a radical suggestion - look at the wall, the floor, your coffee, your phone, the sky, the door, the person you are with, a person you are not with, or any one of the several hundred things around you that are not somebody doing something you don't like looking at.
"Some women are militant/ostentatious breastfeeders doing it just to make a point and there's no need"
I have never, in my entire life, seen a militant breastfeeder. Or an ostentatious one. What does that even mean? How do you breastfeed ostentatiously? Do these people carry placards with them announcing what they're doing? Neon signs? Do they put a tassle on the other one and do a dance?
I think what this actually means is that you've seen a breastfeeding woman who has maybe revealed more than 2 inches of her boob while latching on her child, or fed in a location where one might not normally think to sit down for a while, such as Tesco, or Sunderland, or perhaps not rushed to shove her offending nipple into her child's mouth and out of sight as quickly as possible. I've known women like this. I've more than likely been that woman. And none of us were doing it to make a point. All of us were doing it, believe it or not, because that's what our babies wanted us to do. And maybe we cared more about that baby than anyone who might be watching. Soz and that. Or maybe they were doing it to make a point and be ostentatious. In which case they were probably a twat. You get them in all walks of life, unfortunately. But does it matter? I refer you to my daring "does it do any harm?"/don't look suggestions above.
"I've got nothing against feeding in public, but it should be done discretely. It's not difficult"
The thing that annoys me most about this argument is that nobody knows how to spell discreet. Breastfeeding is always done discretely. No-one is continuously breastfeeding (although I have friends who would swear it felt like it). Doing it discreetly is different. *takes pedant hat off*
Here's some news for you: most women do breastfeed discreetly. You've probably sat right next to women feeding their babies and not noticed they were doing it. When you're breastfeeding, your mind suddenly thinks in a different way. You mentally reject 5 outfits every morning because they're hard to remove your mammaries from. You scan every coffee shop for the seat where you can be as comfortable as possible and where the smallest number of people will get the chance to glare at you. You know exactly what you need to do get your baby from buggy to boob with as little fuss as possible. You are an expert, stealthy, tit-ninja. But this takes practice. Very tiny babies are not known for being cooperative. Neither are newly-lactating breasts. Nor are sleep-deprived limbs. Watching a new mother learning to breastfeed can sometimes be like watching Bambi learning to walk. In the early days, there were countless times when I'd be sitting in Costa with one breast out, while my husband and I both tried to manouevre our baby into a position that looked anything like the ones in the books, while trying to stop her latching on to my face or her own fist. Perhaps I should have used some kind of cover, like the one helpfully provided to Louise Burns by Claridges? Well, I tried that. The baby tried to get milk out of it. It got in my way. I couldn't see where her mouth was, where my nipple was, I could only feel the toe-curling pain that told me that both were in the wrong position. My mother ended up trying to hold it up in front of me, reminding me of the time I had to get changed on the beach at Robin Hood's Bay because I fell in the sea. It (the breastfeeding, not the Robin Hood's Bay incident) was painful, stressful, most definitely not discreet, and I nearly cried. But far, far better that a new mother goes through all that than somebody has to see a nipple, right? Because remind me what would happen if they did...?
"Breasts are sexual. Does this mean men should be free to walk around with their penises out?"
Yes, yes, boobies and sex go together quite nicely. But, despite what the Sun would like you to think, that's not all they are. They also make milk, to feed babies with. Multi-tasking, see? So, as I've already pointed out, women are not just getting their breasts out for no reason, they are doing it for a purpose. What purpose would a man have in getting his penis out? Although, penises are also multi-tasking. They can do wees, and men get them out in front of other men to do that. Does that mean that men are all having dangerous sexythoughts every time they visit a urinal? Hmm, this is getting too confusing for me. To be on the safe side, we should make sure everyone covers every single part of themselves that could be associated with sex. Considering that everyone's erogenous zones are quite different, we're best off all walking around in a full burka. That would make Farage happy, no?
"Breastfeeding might be natural, but so is doing a shit, and we don't do that in public"
If you can't understand why a process that results in a waste product that has a strong unpleasant odour and is crawling with germs is different to one which provides food to a baby, then you are failing at life.
"It's an intimate moment between mother and child, and they should be given privacy"
To you maybe. To me it was a way to feed my child without having to spend ridiculous amounts of money on powder that I invariably measured wrongly and spilt all over the place. If I want privacy I'll go and find it. Thanks for your concern.
I'd like some fresh arguments next time please. These are old and tired. I would like examples of how seeing a semi-naked breast caused your 7-year-old niece to turn into a dragon and devour a small village in Kent, or how a man got so confused by seeing a baby covering a nipple he tried to hand out infants to his local burlesque troop. Then perhaps it will be worth debating. Until then, grow up everyone.
