Why Everyone in Disney's Frozen is a complete and utter moron.
Ah, Frozen. The current Big Thing which is the Best Thing Ever until the Next Big Thing comes along (maybe it's already coming along, I don't know. I'm always a bit behind the times. Hence this post now when everyone else posted things about Frozen on the internet several months ago).
I actually quite like Frozen. It is full of good songs and some fairly funny lines. And, as a feminist I am told I should like it - TWO "strong" female characters! And one of them doesn't even have to have a man at the end!!!! Which is all well and good. But. Every single character in this film is a massive massive idiot. Really.
In no particular order, allow me to explain....
The King and Queen: morons. We know our kid can make snow. We're not going to try to learn about the downsides to these powers she has until she has almost killed our other kid. Then we're going to go and ask a troll about it. We are then going to interpret his advice as "lock the snow-making kid in her room for the rest of her life, and put the fear of god into her that she's going to kill everyone". That'll totally work. Just get her some gloves or something.
The Troll King: moron. I'm going to terrify a small child who has completely accidentally almost killed her little sister. You MUST learn to control your power, but you can figure out how on your own, right? I'm not going to help in anyway. Your parents seem to have that under control with their REALLY SOLID PLAN. And just for good measure, I'll wipe the memory of the other one. There's no real reason for this. I mean, it's a great idea to not know that if you piss your sister off she might accidentally freeze you. Family secrets are the way forward, y'all.
See also: this
Elsa: moron. To be fair to Elsa, she's had a pretty messed up childhood, locked up by herself, terrified that she's going to go on some kind of freezing rampage. It's not that surprising that the girl's got issues. So maybe we can forgive her for running away from her problems, refusing to go back and take responsibility for freezing her entire kingdom, making ice-spikes at anyone who goes near her, and setting a huge, violent and terrifying snowman on her little sister. Maybe. But really, Elsa, you're not even going to have a little bit of a bash at unfreezing something? You can create spangly dresses and SENTIENT BEINGS out of thin air, and it doesn't occur to you for one second that you might be powerful enough to find a way to melt some snow?
Hans: actually only a minor moron. I mean, he's not a nice guy, obvs. But he seems to be able to do thinking, what with all the plotting and manipulating. However, Hans loses points for not remembering the simple thing that is the undoing of many a movie villain: if you want someone dead, then make sure that they are dead. If you leave them to die on their own, they will invariably not die, and then you'll be punched in the face and put in a cage on a boat.
Olaf: not all moron. Olaf is allowed to be a moron, he is made of snow. And still his plan to save Anna is better than any other plan in this film.
Kristoff: moron. Everything has suddenly become frozen. It feels, by your own admission, "magical". You very quickly learn that the Queen is behind it. Yet it somehow takes you HALF THE DAMN FILM to remember that you once saw the entire royal family getting ice-related help from your adoptive-grandfather, and conclude that maybe you should go and see him and see if he's got any bright ideas this time. Although, let's be honest, he wasn't the biggest help on that occasion, apart from the unfreezing (see above). Also, why are you letting Anna direct this mission? You drive a sled around the mountains FOR A LIVING; this girl thought she could make her way across the kingdom and up in the dark, in a party frock. Outdoor survival skills are clearly not her thing. And, you know, there's also the whole reindeer thing.
Sven: reindeer. Possibly not a moron, I don't really know how reindeer think.
The entire population of Arendelle: morons. They let the one surviving, non-ice-wielding, member of the royal family ride off into the night on her own, with no map, provisions, or brains. They then let some dude from the Seven Isles take charge, despite the fact that there has been no monarch for THREE YEARS, so they either already have some kind of regent or other decision-making person/body in place, or they are really good at coping with a power vacuum. They are all also seemingly easily pleased - "The queen is back now and appears to have stopped creating giant spiky ice defences but can we be sure she isn't going to freeze the kingdom ag.... oooooh, ice skates!"
The Trolls: morons. Yeah, alright, just ignore the fact that Anna is ENGAGED and try to force her into marrying someone else. What's that about? On the other hand, they are responsible for the best line in any Disney song ever.
Anna: amazingly idiotic moron. I'm going to agree to marryt he first guy that speaks to me EVER. I'm going to be surprised when my sister doesn't think that's the best idea in the world. I'm going to run off into the night on my own to find her even though I've never been anywhere ever, and I don't have the faintest fricking clue where I'm going. I'm going to leave this random stranger who I am now engaged to in charge of my kingdom, even though there is absolutely no need to do this as someone's been running things for three years and might as well keep going. I'm going to throw carrots at this guy until he agrees to take me up the North Mountain. Even though it is late and dark, and my plan of what to do when I get there is the lamest plan in the history of the world. I am going to maintain that my sister would never hurt me, even though I have no idea if that's true or not, and it turns out to emphatically not be. I am going to tell my sister she set off an eternal winter everywhere, even though I've only gone a few miles from home and it's been a couple of days at the most. I am going to sing at her until she either comes back with me, or sets an abonimable snowman on me.
Oaken: not a moron. He is a shrewd businessman, and he has a sauna.
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